Actually, I don’t know how to start this…
Probably a little background will help.
Yesterday really changed my life. Two things happened. First of all, I saw my girlfriend with another guy (they were kissing). We had been arguing a lot for the last couple of days, and somehow I was expecting that to happen. When I saw her, I felt relief at first because it couldn’t be clearer that she is not for me and that it is time to let her go.
After that, I called some friends and asked them to join me for lunch. As I was having lunch, my heartbeat started to go really really fast. That had been going for the last couple of days.
Let me explain the feeling. As your heart starts to go as fast as mine did yesterday, you get dizzy, have shortness of breath, you feel like throwing up, your hands start to shake and you get a headache. It’s not a good feeling, so one of my friends called his dad, who is a doctor, and he told him to take me to the ER.
When I got into the ER, I was really scared. The doctors ran a couple of tests on me; they brought three different machines, connected cables through all my body and put needles on my arm and hand. After a while, I started feeling okay.
A couple of minutes later, the Dr. came to me, asked me how I was feeling and he told me that I had a hole in my heart. This means that one of the main veins in my heart has a hole. He told me to go and see a cardiologist and he would decide what to do next. He gave me some drugs, told me to go home, and asked me NOT TO BE ALONE.
Here is the interesting part…I don’t drink, I don’t smoke and I don’t use any kind of illegal drugs. I’m 21 years old.
Later on that night when I was back home, I was left alone (I live by myself since I am in this city for college). My friend who took me to the hospital had to leave because he had things to do. I thought about calling my mom but I couldn’t. I didn’t want her to worry. I didn’t want her to cry so I called a friend (my girlfriend’s roommate). I couldn’t help it but I started crying when I was on the phone. She got worried and came to where I was. She didn’t say much, but as I was talking to her, I asked myself and God, “What is my lesson of all this; What am I suppose to learn?”
It’s funny how the only two people that I knew would have made me feel better (my girlfriend, and my mom (the people I love) were not there. My girlfriend told me everything was over that morning, and I chose not to tell my mom.
I didn’t want to spend the night by myself so I asked my friend (my girlfriend’s roommate) if I could stay at her apartment. She said that I couldn’t because my girlfriend asked her not to take me to her apartment (she didn’t want to see me). She still didn’t know about my condition so I don’t blame her. I called her just to ask if I could stay there because the doctor told me not to be alone. I called. When she answered, I told her that I needed to ask her a favor. She interrupted me and said, “NO, I am the one who needs to ask you for a favor… Don’t ever talk to me again” and she hung up. In that very moment, even though my friend was there, I felt alone. I had no other place to go and I had no one else to call. I felt that no one loved me so I cried. As I was driving, I was still asking, “What is my lesson; What am I suppose to learn out of all of this?” Then a soft voice talked to my heart and said, “That you have to lean on Me, and let me hug you.”
Right now, I have no hard feelings against my girlfriend or God. I love her. I really want her to be happy. Now I understand that I will have to love her from afar. Now I look at God and I can feel His love. On the outside, I am still alone. On the inside, I know God is with me. I know my mom is with me even when she doesn’t know what I am going through. This morning I understood that all this is happening because HE knows what is good for me. He is wiser than me so I will not complain; I will just cheer in His love. I understood that all this helps me to know which things really matter.
I just read “Another view point” and it made it even clearer. If God is letting me go through all this because He knows I can handle it, and I’m sure I will. That same soft voice told me to share this experience. You have no idea how that soft voice and that feeling of love give me peace and help me to raise my head and smile. So now I only ask for you to pray. Not for me or my health, but for those who haven’t felt that love that gives us strength.
~A MountainWings Original by Ares Saldana, El Paso, TX~
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† My Little Catholic Nook ツ 